In Conversation with Mhlonitshwa Nkala

God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, he then caused the man to sleep and took out his rib and thus formed woman and presented her to him and he said this is now bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh. Adam identified his one and knew it was her and not another. We see this as the genesis of what we call marriage, a union created by God for His glory.

In order to understand the dynamics of this institution and set us young people up to get it right, I had to have a conversation with Thee Mhlonitshwa Nkala, yes good people Thee, this is the only certified Mhlonitshwa Nkala. He describes himself as a young man who is vibrant for Christ & raising awareness. This young man is not only passionate about Christ he is also an Economist and an aspiring Entrepreneur.

He then went on to introduce us to the VIP code, this is something he lives by. It represents Vision & Values; Integrity, Identity & Inspiration; Purpose, Power & Passion. All these feed into his everyday lifestyle. Mhlonitshwa values integrity greatly thus he walks his talk through always self-introspecting on his ways.  This VIP vision started in high school around 2011, with his best-friend Mkhululi Ndlovu, who is the more outspoken one whilst Mhlonitshwa is more of the strategist.

The very first thing that we dealt with was understanding what exactly marriage is, before dealing with other elements that will prepare you and I for this. 

This is what Mhonitshwa had to say, ‘It is more than what we generally encounter within our societies. Most of my close friends grew up in broken marriages. Their view of marriage is extremely different from my own. I find myself always expressing that MARRIAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING, definitely not denying that marriages can be broken. Such can affect one’s vision of their marital destiny. Many ask why get married when you will soon be divorced, they do not see the point or even the value of it anymore but it is a godly thing. It is established by God himself. It was established in the beginning, the principles of fruitfulness and multiplication are rooted in marriage, this is not just about babies. The right fruitfulness must be in marriage.’

This made me think of how much my own view and perspective for a very long time had been affected because of what I constantly came across, couples, married couples fighting, being spiteful to each other. Showing face pretending to have it all together. This for a long time had made me decide I would not get married. The perspective I have now is one of a love like the kind Christ had for us, I have never and will never be willing to settle for less than that, I hope as you read this you will understand that this kind of forever is still possible.

There are various perspectives about Christian marriages. An example of such perspectives is of a lady who stated she was very much interested in the guy being a good guy not necessarily his spiritual standing with God. Some say this is sufficient it does not matter where he stands spiritually. In response to this Mhlonitshwa took us to church on this one and began by saying “Spirituality matters” then he further broke it down, “as a man you need to understand that you are the priest of your household, a lion or the enemy will not devour you because you are a good man, you need to be spiritually strong. When you are getting married you are setting yourself to be the priest, prophet, pastor of your family. As a man you have got to know stuff, know the word of God. Know spiritual warfare, it is embarrassing when your wife or girl asks you stuff and you don’t know. Everything that happens physically has already happened in the spirit realm. Become a prayer warrior for your girl, but start with yourself. Truly you attract what you are. When you are spiritually strong you can discern spirits and you know vibes, you can sense spirits. When it’s a family the enemy will fight even more, he does not want to see two strong individuals uniting in Christ. Know God and His word and live out His word”.

The above truly serves as great ground for preparation. We then got into what exactly is most important when preparing oneself for marriage.

The first step he says, is clearly understanding what your vision or perspective about marriage is, and what exactly you believe to be your vision for what marriage looks like. It is important to fix those beliefs and make sure they are in-line with God’s view.

We looked into standards that may show us what a prepared man looks like:

•         He must be God fearing, this is different from being born again. Looking into Ephesians 5, the call is for the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He cannot love right if He has no idea how Christ loved the church.
•           They must have mentors, that they are accountable to. A person who lacks accountability is difficult to trust.
•           They must be responsible in their conduct. This is beyond having resources, one must be clear on how they handle their duties, business or even a job.

He expressed that you need to prepare yourself. The reality is that many a times we attract what we are. Marriage is more than what we see. Seek for people who are in the path that you want to take, look for a couple that you can observe and learn from. In other words, it is important to never rush into anything you haven’t fortified yourself for. Mentorship will save you time and allow you to learn what works and what does not without making the same mistakes. It is extremely important to be grounded in the word of God as already mentioned you are the Priest of your family.

Going back to one of the points mentioned above, you must be responsible. Responsibility does not mean you must have resources; many guys have those things but fail to handle them. They change girlfriends all the time. Responsibility is how one handles their duties looking into how seriously they are taking their job, their business, how they handle their finances.

Speaking of finances, young people generally shy away from addressing this, I am definitely not leaving any stone unturned. Does finance really matter in marriage? Is it responsible for Christians to enter into a marital relationship not having resources to sustain themselves?

Here is what the VIP had to say, “Finances matter. We have a VIP code which says “romance without finance is nonsense!”, I put it up on Instagram. 70% agreed; 30% said it doesn’t matter. Finance matters but money is not even all you need. It doesn’t constitute a huge chunk of the marriage at all. Remember though that you are taking someone’s daughter from her father’s roof and should be able to take care of her. Sometimes life happens, the husband may lose his job”. 

Mhlonitshwa shared how this has happened to his family. He said,” My dad lost everything at one point yet my mother stood by him through that”.

The truth is if the money is not there, what is left will be the vision and the attitude. You may not have money but do you have a vision and a plan? He then reflected on something he read which says “the weakest minds only see potential on trees that are already flowering but the wise ones have faith in good quality seeds” sometimes you can tell that a dude is trying, he has a vision he has a plan. If you partner with him, you can be a helper to him. Initially there was no money but that faith in the good quality seed and the fruits show later.

This my dear friends is profound and wise. I do not think it implies fix every man or woman you meet and get with them, If God allows for you to be with someone whilst they are at that stage, embrace it and grow together. Our elders have always warned us “not all that glitters is gold” I will add this that I learnt from my Father. He told me once that treasured things are not on display for all to see but they are hidden, I believe they are mined, under those layers of soil and rock and dirt there’s usually a diamond. This diamond is for those who are willing to put in the work, those who are not afraid to learn and unlearn another being but all begins with commitment. Make a choice and commit to it and mine your diamond. He/she is worth the work.

 I think it’s important to understand the financial cycle of every believer. As a believer there is a time when you are in the wilderness you will go through a time where you rely on manna literally God supply and another when you have reached the promise land and there is an over-supply of resources. As Mhlonitshwa had earlier mentioned a prepared man is a God fearing man, that relationship with God enables the man to work his environment, he could be living in a one room apartment and that’s his wilderness moment. The most important again is the vision, and understanding what God says about his vision aligning with hers. Biggest take away, money matters a lot, however money is not everything that builds a relationship. Prepare financially for the implications of starting a family but also work on the stronger elements that help you prepare.

It is sometimes better to be with someone when you are still in the wilderness than when you now have all that you’ve worked for. These love you and are passionate for who you are and not what you have. We can also never stress enough the importance of being equally yoked. You cannot have a huge ox and a calf, make sure you are equally yoked in all things; that is your vision, values, views on certain things must align. One of my high school teachers used to say you cannot marry a grade 7 kid when you are in form 4, this is recipe for disaster as it would lead to silly arguments.

It is an injustice to leave out the elephant in the room, is it important to avoid sexual intimacy before marriage? Must I remain celibate?

He brought forth the concept of semen retention, which is a benefit of remaining celibate, this is staying a very long time without releasing semen and is necessary for every guy. It helps with your focus, you become productive, your skin glows, you have energy. We can take it as far as you even heal faster and better, your eyes are clearer. The spiritual element to understand is; whoever you indulge with there is an exchange, fluids, vibrations, energy, you are being one with them, imagine being one with someone you are not equally yoked with. There is a reality of soul-ties you will find yourself having spiritual encounters that the other person has. The worst part is that you may end up fighting battles that have nothing to do with you. It may even be better to be with someone who has not had other sexual partners, if they have had others then you end up carrying the burden of all the people whom they have been in contact with. The soul ties can be broken through prayer, you just need to live right, fear God.

Finally, he had a few things to say, ‘Firstly I pray that all the young kings fear God, live right, I pray that they find themselves in healthy relationships, relationships that will push you to greatness, push you to holiness. A supportive partner is important, not just financially supportive but if there are any struggles, can we pray together, do Bible study together, it’s even better if it is someone who goes to the same church as you as the spiritual principles are the same for both of you.

I pray that most of us do marry right, into the right families, the guy may be good but the family may destroy you. Marriage is not just about love or money, money cannot sustain a marriage, we’ve seen many people who have divorced, love is not all that matters, there is also respect. The most important is love, love your partner, love your wife.

For my beautiful queens, no one stays in the wilderness forever, if the guy has plans, a vision stick with him and one day it will pay off. Most rich people find it difficult to get a partner because some women generally chase after money’.

This has been a lot of information to take in but it was worth the time. Should there be any follow-up questions leave them here in the comments so we can engage them in part two of this conversation.